An open letter of gratitude from a whistleblower to those who made my life hell

Today, as I sat in church listening to Matthew’s Gospel, this phrase caught hold of me and wouldn’t let me go: “Whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it.”   For a while now, I have struggled with loss and the anger, grief and despair that accompanies all of that loss. In 2011, when Depomed offered me a job as a representative, I was so grateful for the opportunity.  It took me fifteen years to truly comprehend the extent of that blessing.  

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  From the very first regional sales manager’s call directing me to contact a high-profile physician and offer him and his wife an all expense paid trip to San Diego, I was angry…because it was illegal.  I should’ve been grateful because that manager was testing me (the first of many tests) to see how strong my moral character was.  I’m not sure that was his exact reasoning, but in hindsight, I now understand it.  

  When that same manager stood up in front of a packed room of eager-to-please representatives and told us we would be handsomely rewarded for selling 100 prescriptions a week, I should’ve been grateful for the opportunity to make lots of money.  I was not.  Once again, I was angry, because given the orphan drug status and the minuscule market, that was legally impossible.  I should have known that my discernment skills were being tested, but I didn’t realize that at the time.  

  As time went on and I became aware of the extent of the illegal marketing scheme, I should’ve been grateful that something so obviously fraudulent was presented to me.  I was not.  I was angry that I seemed to be the only one in the room who would acknowledge what was happening.  I was definitely not grateful for my deep sense of incongruence between the words and the actions of the company. It wasn’t until many years later that that I finally learned what the anterior cingulate gyrus is and how important it is in detecting ethical conflict.  

  I’m ashamed to admit that when my manager told me that I was remedial, unworthy and “did not meet expectations,” I couldn’t see through the lies.  I should have been more forthcoming with the faith I had in myself because deep down I knew I was none of those things. But, in my own defense, I was blinded by the constant stream of profanities thrown at me by my “new” boss, the one charged with destroying me at all costs.  By the way, I would like to take a moment to commend him for his ruthless efficiency in carrying out his task of destruction. (I bet it took him a little longer than expected because I am quite resilient.) Nonetheless, he won the battle. I see that he has moved up in the corporate world and has quite a few fancy titles. I bet he’s pleased with himself.  And I’m sure his mentors are proud too. 

  I’m also embarrassed by the fact that I was angry at my colleagues for not standing with me as I spoke up against the reckless marketing scheme that directly contributed to the opioid epidemic.  I now realize that they were the rule, and I was the exception. I suppose I got what I deserved by not going along with “group think.”  Being an independent, analytical thinker can be a lonely path, but it was my geeky decision to delve into the Morbidity & Mortality Weekly Report to determine if the sales goals the company set were accurate.  I discovered they were not, but by then, everyone had  shunned me.  It’s understandable—my selfish quest for the truth made them uncomfortable.  I apologize to anyone that I made feel that way.  In the end though it was probably better that I stood alone because I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to get dragged into the truth, especially since they wanted nothing to do with it or me.

  Through all of those trials and tribulations, though, l learned two of the most valuable lessons of my life and I appreciate each one of you who contributed to my edification.  The first lesson:  I hold a rare and deep empathy, coupled with a sense of responsibility, towards those who are suffering at the hands of big pharma’s unscrupulous marketing of pain medication.  And the second lesson: I am mentally, physically and spiritually tough enough to endure over a decade of gaslighting, isolation and blacklisting.  Now THAT is truly something to be thankful for! Believe me when I tell you that you have changed my life.

  And not to be forgotten, because I worked with them for 11 years, I’m grateful to my lawyers.  You purposely misled me into believing that I was answering a job posting, but you were actually searching for people like me who held damning evidence on big Pharma so you could file multiple whistleblower lawsuits. Thank you for highlighting my gullibility. That was something I needed to address and I did.  And when you missed the all-important statute of limitations and ultimately lost the legal case, I now see that my ability to forgive you was, shall we say, deficient.  I’m working on that too, but, in all honesty, that is a tall order.  And it may  take me the rest of my life to accomplish that goal.  

  So, over the past 15 years, I have lost a lot—my career, my healthcare, my financial security, my ability to trust, etc., etc.  But overall, I have gained.  I know it was not your intention for me to gain anything, but I did.  Discernment to start with, a career not rooted in lies, a sense of peace about my true calling, a strong belief that ultimately the truth will prevail. It was a long bumpy road, but I somehow managed to survive and have you to thank for it.  Now I truly understand Matthew’s Gospel, “Whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it.”

  With deep gratitude,

  Noelle

  P.S.- I’m so sorry that none of you that I encountered over the course of my supposed destruction had a dog.  The one bright spot during my grief-filled time was the gift of a dog. (She ultimately saved my life, BTW.) Dogs are not only fine companions, but they are the embodiment of grace, forgiveness, unconditional love, trust and truth.  Maybe one day you’ll get a dog and have the opportunity to feel their immeasurable transformative healing power in your life.  God knows, you all need it.